Midlife Crisis - Scaling Cliffs and Climbing Rickety Chair Stacks

What's it like navigating growing a business while in midlife crisis? Read on!

Saturday was 75 degrees and sunny in the Bay Area. It was February 3rd so for a Chicago native, choosing to stay at home and clean the house was not an appealing option, but sadly, it was kind of a tough decision for me. The last time I wrote I mentioned I'm reading a book called "Hidden Blessings". This time in its entirety. I'm definitely in midlife crisis and have been for about ten years. According to the book, a typical midlife crisis can last 10-12 years. Some are less, some are more. In any case, I've been vacillating between several of the middle stages (according to the book) between the ages of 48 and my current age which is 51. It's been hard, but as I've moved into and through Stages 6-8 and am currently learning the process of stage 9, I've been learning to navigate the process. The past couple of weeks have been a down stage and as much as I try to pick myself up by the bootstraps (something I've always been able to do in the past), it's just not working this time. I decided to give myself a couple of days to rest and reflect and read the rest of the book, but the couple of days has turned into almost two weeks (I’m also doing the exercises that are part of the process of reading the book) and I'm starting to get the guilts.

Stage 9 of the book is about "cultivating soul-fullness". While in stage 9, one is presumably still moving through and vacillating between other stages, but in this stage you’re starting to see some glimmers and soul stirrings. I realized that I've been getting these stirrings for about a year now and am trying to grasp at them and move into "doing" which is something I'm always trying to do - pulling myself up by the bootstraps by trying to embrace, solve and act on my "soul stirrings". But the author gently tells us to let the stirrings go for now. Not to act, but just to observe and listen and let the seed cultivate and grow on it's own. Some seeds will take and others may not.

Saturday I was feeling guilty that I had taken so much "me time" in the last month and I knew I needed to clean the house, but as I read my book in bed with a cup of coffee and felt the warm breeze come through the window, I had a strong and sudden desire to be at the ocean. I needed to be there listening to nothing but waves and birds. To walk, to meditate, to lay on a blanket and feel the sun on my face. My initial thought was that I wanted to go on my own and bring my book and music and reflect on my own. Plus my husband is a bit of a homebody these days and hates to go out in Bay Area traffic in any situation so I only half-heartedly asked him if he wanted to go with me. He said yes and we started making a plan. Instead of feeling disappointed that I couldn't have my "me" time, I decided to embrace his willingness to go with me and even to his revisions of what beach we should go to. He has been my rock the past couple of years. He's been incredibly supportive during my midlife crisis (as I’ve been with his) and I needed to let go of my control-freak nature so I didn’t get bummed out that my plans were altered. We packed up and got a much later start than I had anticipated. Again, my initial thought was dread that we were going to be in traffic, that his choice of going to Half Moon Bay would suck because the traffic by the time we got there would be horrendous. that there was NO WAY we were going to find a peaceful beach with EVERYONE in the bay area going to the ocean on such a nice day. But I let all these thoughts go and decided to live in the moment and trust that somehow it would work out.

This is where the rope comes in. Brennan had read about a beach south of Half Moon Bay which required a 1/2 mile walk in. He figured not a lot of people would be willing to walk the half mile with all their crap, so that's where we headed. After sitting in traffic, but chatting and listening to good music to get us through and stopping at a market to pick up a packed lunch we arrived so late that cars were parked lining the highway at the trailhead. It wasn't a good sign. Again, I decided not to get upset, kept the faith and we moved further south on Hwy 1. We got to a dirt parking lot which had very few cars, but a sign for the beach so we parked and started hiking down the steep trail. And then we got to the rope. The trail was so steep that you couldn’t go down on your own so someone had put in a rope so you could scale the cliffside. I'm terrified of heights but again didn't give in to my fears and doubts. I watched some people climb up the rope and asked them how far it went down (that was the other thing - your couldn't see where the rope led and how long it was). With Brennan's encouragement I grabbed onto the rope and started scaling/repelling down. I was scared but I took it slow. And I made it.

The reward was being on a gorgeous beach with only a couple of handfuls of other brave souls who were willing to scale the cliffside. The beach was huge so we found a spot far from everyone else, set up our blanket and had about four hours until sunset to chat, walk, sleep, eat, meditate and feel the sun and smell the air and hear the ocean and birds and the occasional distant screams of very happy children (yes, there were two young kids that made it down the rope). It was better than I could have ever imagined. I didn't read the book. I didn't write in my journal. I just let myself fill with joy and it was wonderful. As usual, when I let life happen - even if it takes me to a challenging spot which I'm afraid I might not be able to navigate - if I choose that path and take the risk it usually ends up being an experience I'll never forget. As I sat on the beach, there were some moments I started worrying about scaling that rope back up the cliff, but I let go of the fear and didn't let it ruin my afternoon - and I made it back up that darned rope without a problem. It was actually easier than the route down - and it was all so much better than cleaning the house. How did letting go turn out for me? I am writing about it right now. It inspired me to reach back into myself and write which I would say is a pretty good ROI.

It's Monday and I was trying not to panic as I went to sleep last night. I know that I need to get back to work. I need to pay bills no matter what happens so I didn't really want to wake up today because I was scared about what steps I needed to take this week to continue on my path. It's such a long and hard process, but I'm learning to trust those inner vibrations and callings, but also starting to understand the process of letting them germinate on their own and not forcing anything and do you know what? I had two of the craziest things happen. I woke up this morning and knew that I had to remember a dream that I was having when I woke. I don't usually try to remember dreams, but I was feeling like I should remember this one. I dreamt that I was trying to get to a class. The classroom was on the second floor of a building and there wasn't an elevator or a staircase. I looked around and I found a rickety tower someone had built of old chairs. I looked up at it and knew I had to climb it in order to get to that classroom and I wasn’t sure if I should take the risk. I wasn’t sure if the chairs would hold. Then I was standing there with someone who was in my business plan writing class (from which I recently graduated). I asked her if she was going to attempt the climb. She just looked at me with love, smiled and shook her head but indicated I should climb. I climbed the tower of chairs and at the top was this gorgeous classroom with walls of windows and I had a sense that I belonged there. I looked back down at my friend below. She was still looking up at me and smiling. I knew she was choosing not to take the risk I just took, but that she was going to find her own way and we were both proud of ourselves. I know my dream moved in a different direction after that but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get that part of the dream back, but it didn't matter. I saw what I needed to see.

I have ropes to climb down. I have ropes to climb up. I have rickety piles of things I still have to scale to get to that place where I learn who I truly am and how I'm going to move forward, but I'm going to trust my inner soul more to lead the way. Almost every day I start the day by making the bed (a habit I just built into my routine to feel like I have control and completion over one thing in my life), then while the coffee brews I pray, then meditate and then do my gratitude practice.  I've also decided in the past year to try not to read the news on weekdays. It's not a good way to start the day since it depresses me. Instead I use my coffee time to read or listen to something that is going to inspire me. Then I do my NYT Seven Minute workout and my stretches and by then I'm usually ready to go to work. The last two weeks I gave myself permission to let work slide. I am thankful I am self-employed and this is my slow season so I can do that. It's something I really needed to do for myself, but today I needed to revive myself and I think that dream and the vastness of the ocean experience and rope climbing helped me to do so.

Last but not least, the other thing that popped up this morning is that while I was doing a little research for this blog post, I went to Jett Psaris' site (the author of “Hidden Blessings”) and randomly clicked on "workshops". Esalen Institute is a place I've always wanted to check out - especially since I started The Healing Farm | Retreats. It's a business that has inspired me for years and guess what? Jett Psaris is doing a weekend workshop there in March and I'm actually available that weekend! I can't really afford it and put myself on the waiting list for a sleeping bag space, but I thought it was such an important sign for me that I signed up for a standard room just to get into the workshop. It’s beyond my budget, but it's something that's calling to me so strongly I need to listen.

We need to listen to our bodies and souls. Midlife crisis is hard. Starting a new business is hard. Switching careers is hard. Illness is hard. Finding your true path is hard. Watching our childhood fade as our parents age is hard. Giving up ego is hard. Not everyone will take the time to go through this process and I think that’s ok. I wish everyone could do it but sometimes is probably fine if you’re content with life as is - or maybe you were lucky enough to find your true self early in life and your midlife crisis might not get to you as deeply as it has me, but it’s still a good time to reflect on where you’ve been and where you want to go. I’ve chosen to do the work and sometimes I still want to throw in the towel and as I always say - “want to become the bartender on the amtrak train” - but so far I’m learning to navigate the path and the glimpses I see of the daydreamer Julie that I left behind so long ago in childhood are exciting to watch emerge. Scary and overwhelming at times? Yes. But I’ve learned in life that scaling ropes and sometimes even something as rickety as a pile of chairs is worth it in the end.

I still have some work to do and some stages to complete, but I’ll learn during this stage to not try too hard to “act” and just listen for a while. That’s what I’ve done in the past two weeks and when I was beating myself up a bit (during my Sunday evening (slight) panic attack) for taking that time and not “accomplishing” anything in the last two weeks I decided to write down all of the good things and accomplishments of the past week while I thought I wasn’t “accomplishing” anything and here’s what I came up with:

• I booked two weddings (for my wedding business)

• I had a good and informative review of my business plan from my class advisor

• I went to my graduation for my business plan writing class, had some of the closest people in my life there cheering me on and much to my surprise, ended up sharing the “best business plan” award with another classmate

• Was invited to an organic farm to talk about a possible partnership or working relationship

• Was invited to propose an idea to help support another retreat property development

• Made a few healthy dinners and put on a batch of bone broth

• Had a joyful ride on my bike

• Posted on Instagram when I was inspired (social media is not my thing and something I’ve been ignoring for a while)

• Worked on my self growth through reading and doing the exercises in the Hidden Blessings book

• Went to the farmer’s market, bought healthy food and listened to a local musician

• Hiked with a friend

• Had three incredible sexual experiences with my husband

• Scaled a cliffside

Not bad for a time when I thought I was slacking off. I’ll try to not "try” a little more - bit by bit.

Always Be Nice and Once Again I'm Inspired by Oprah (Bonus: The Day I Met Oprah!)

Always be nice. Always get back to people. Always be gracious. Even with sales people.

That's not actually the inspiration I got from Oprah this morning. BUT, I'm having a hard couple of days and a THF client-turned pal told me I should watch the "Living Brave" interview with Oprah. 

Believe it or not, this was only the second time in my life I watched anything Oprah-related. The first time was in the 1990's when I was, living in Chicago (where I grew up). For some reason I was home from work for the day and I turned on Oprah's show. I'm not even sure why I did that since I've always hated daytime television, but I did and she was starting a new walking program. I was so inspired by the end of the show that I decided to go to the walking path on Lake Michigan for a long walk. It may have been springtime and I had a lovely long walk. It was a weekday so there weren't many people out there but suddenly I saw a whole group of people walking on the path toward me. I kept moving toward them and then started seeing cameras and people running around and then I saw her. In the middle of everyone, there was Oprah walking on the path right toward me. Then the most unbelievable thing happened. I spontaneously exclaimed as I passed her that I was out there because I saw her show that morning. And then she hugged me. The cameras were rolling and I was amazed. I was amazed at her spirit and graciousness. I was amazed that she stopped and listened to the crazy lady on the path. I was amazed that the only day I ever heard her talk was the day I met her. I was amazed that she truly seemed to care and that she gave me a hug. I suppose I should have watched her show the next day to see if they aired our Lake Michigan hug, but I had to go to work and then I guess I kind of let it slip and I got on with my life. Every once in a while I remember that I had that brief amazing experience and it fills me with joy.

When my friend told me to watch the "Living Brave" clip, I wasn't feeling as down as I was feeling yesterday and today so I may have let it slip again, but I'm trying so hard right now to not throw in the towel on The Healing Farm business. I'm trying so hard to be brave and "choose the right path". So instead of working the last two days (and trying not to feel guilty about it), I've taken the time to treat myself to some introspection time. I picked up and started reading a book that I recommended to other people called "Hidden Blessings". When I bought the book, it was after my last multi-day women's retreat. A dear friend had posted it on Facebook and I decided it was something I needed to read since it was about midlife crisis and that's precisely what I've been experiencing for the past ten years (yes, ten years). Even though it completely resonated with me, I put it down after reading the first part because I knew I wanted to do the exercises in the book, but I didn't have the time. So in my despair yesterday, on a rainy, gloomy day, I decided NOT to do the daunting bookkeeping that I need to do and I got cozy in the living room while my husband sat working on his hopes and dreams on the other couch (he's writing his first screenplay) and I started reading. And I started writing and I started to feel ok about letting the next planned retreat go. I started thinking that it would be ok if I disappointed some people right now. Even myself. Because maybe my current approach to the path to The Healing Farm is not the path I'm supposed to be on. Yes, as the day turned into evening, there was some panic that crept into my thoughts and heart. I realized I had to let the women who signed up for my retreat know that I was not going to move forward. That I had to let my team know and - perhaps the biggest hurdle - I had to announce what I was viewing as a colossal failure in my next newsletter, but I decided not to let those feelings overwhelm and derail me. I had my little Wednesday night bed party with my husband. Had amazing sex, had a good sleep, had a good cry this morning as I woke, prayed, meditated. And then I watched the Oprah clip.

Brene Brown asked Oprah about failure and Oprah talked about starting her network. She was listening to other people and not completely following her heart and something about the network was failing. It made me realize that even someone with more success than most people could even imagine - with more money and influence than most people could ever imagine - FEELS SOMETIMES LIKE SHE'S FAILING. She decided to start listening to herself again and it became a success. I cried again. I guess Oprah is probably known to make people cry.

After I watched that clip I wanted more Oprah so I finally watched her now-famous Golden Globes speech - and I cried again. It reminded me that when I marched at the first women's march, I held a sign I made that morning that read "Women will transform the world".

All women great and small will change the world and I want to be one of them. I want to grow The Healing Farm property to change the future of healthcare. To change the world in my small way - or big way. Somehow I need to make it happen. Something keeps pushing me in that direction. I'm sacred to death. I afraid of failure. I'm afraid of debt, I'm afraid of my own pride ruining me - but somehow I've got to push on. It may not be in the direction I wrote in my recently completed THF business plan, but somehow I'm going to make it happen.

I want to build a place where average people can heal. Where average people can feel comfortable. Where average people can afford to experience peace and joy and escape and introspection and true healing. If I won the lottery that's what I would do. But I'm probably not going to win the lottery so I have to make it happen some other way. I have to get my unprofessionally written business plan out there and be ok with feeling like I don't have what it takes and that "real" business people may think I'm a bumbling dreamer fool. I have to continue to follow that river - bend by bend until I somehow get there. It may not end up being The Healing Farm. Or I may end up supporting someone else who is more capable of putting the pieces in place, but step by step, somehow it will happen.

Oprah and Brene mentioned intention. Oprah said that when she was making "The Color Purple" she said to herself "One day I really hope I have enough money to have a home with beautiful things in a beautiful surrounding that matches my beautiful spirit". I hope something similar for Brennan and I and I hope with all of my being that it's The Healing Farm and I want to share that vision with the masses.

What inspired me to write this blog post ultimately was that I answered a sales email today. I also scheduled a coffee with someone who has a business that I'm not sure I fully support, but she's been persistent in wanting to get together with me, so I feel like I should get together with her. Who knows where the conversation will lead. I realized that I'm a nice person. I do have good boundaries most of the time, but I also respect that everyone is pursuing some kind of dream and that everyone (within reason) deserves a nice and respectful response if they are being nice and respectful. I'm distressed these days at the number of non-responses I get - even by friends. Everyone is so busy these days that somehow it's become ok to not respond. I'm sure I've let some things slip through the cracks, but I always try to respond and I'm always nice. It's who I am at my core and it's important to me. I do believe that quality in me - that has great respect for all human beings - is a piece of the puzzle that will help me grow and realize my dreams in whatever form they may take and that makes me feel proud of who I am.

I am The Healing Farm. I will cultivate practical wellness.

Favorite Things, Procrastination and Finishing the Business Plan With Said "Favorite Things"

Writing a Business Plan, About Entrepreneurship and Getting Inspired, Starting and Growing a "Conscious Company"

Saline Valley, California in my favorite second-hand cashmere sweater

Today I'm "finishing" The Healing Farm's business plan - or at least the first real version of it. And I'm procrastinating. Technically I'm waiting for Dannie to get back to me with her edited/finessed/proofread and formatted version for me to review. Then I plan on finishing any writing that still needs to be written (like maybe the whole executive summary if she decided it was too much for me to ask her to write based on my ramblings within the full business plan text). Despite the fact that I'm telling myself I can wait to get her edits back, I could be doing a final review of my financials, formatting the financial statements to work for printing and I'm sure a whole lot of other things that I'm going to freak out about later, but when I was in the shower this morning, which was one part of my carefully planned last day of writing, I was inspired to write in this blog. For several reasons. First, my carefully planned last day of writing was supposed to go like this:

After two divine days off from writing while Dannie works to make sense of my business plan ramblings and format into a legible and hopefully lovely read, I needed to prepare myself for the final push. My divine days off consisted of driving four hours round trip on Friday with a THF client and friend to see another THF client and friend who has been suffering with a major illness since the last retreat. We drove to the Sierra foothills and as I watched her sheep and lambs frolic around the rain dappled pond, I fantasized once again about The Healing Farm property being located in the Sierra Foothills. John Muir once called a property he worked on in the Sierra foothills "The most beautiful place on earth". Well, I don't know if that's exactly what he called it, but I'm trying to get to writing the business plan, so I'm not taking the time to look it up in "Meditations of John Muir" by Chris Highland (a book that was given to us by my in-laws on our wedding day in Yosemite Valley and that is kept by my beside for inspiration when it's most needed). Friday night I cooked a lovely healthy dinner and Brennan and I watched a movie.

Saturday morning was spent hiking with a dear friend with whom I connected at my very first business class in the UC Berkeley Extension program. We randomly paired up during an exercise in the first class and as I listened to her describe her desire to build a business around natural healing, I felt a serendipitous connection. She's a project manager and I hope someday will manage the construction of The Healing Farm, but in the meantime, we're both navigating the space between our dreams and our reality and trying to encourage each other along the way. She was kind enough to read the first draft of my almost complete business plan and wrote me an immediate email saying she was "speechless". This is a direct quote because I will never forget that someone was speechless by what I had written. It was some incredibly needed encouragement. I'm really not sure why on our hike, she mentioned my "Birthing a Business" blog, but she encouraged me to continue to write it which is probably why I was inspired this morning in the shower to open it up (after what I can't believe is over a year) and write. Maybe someday my Birthing a Business blog will miraculously finance The Healing Farm since it's highly unlikely it will be financed by my fantasized (and recently prayed for) winning of a multi-million dollar mega-million lottery jackpot.

Saturday afternoon I couldn't believe I had the energy to do a little cleaning around the house (maybe it had to to do with the two gigantic black iced teas I had at Chipoltle after the hike), but I knew that my carefully planned Sunday writing day would surely be thwarted if the toilet remained in its current state of growing mildew and the splatter on the ceiling of the kitchen leftover from a holiday dinner I cooked for my husband's family three weeks ago remained (my husband calls me "Hurricane Julie" when I cook and himself "FEMA" when he cleans up after me). So I put on headphones and tidied up the house, washed the sheets and heated up healthy leftovers for dinner preparing for the much anticipated and always planned (and fun) Saturday night party with my husband. Not much energy for dancing at last night's Saturday night party, but good music, a little edible and some other tools led to the inevitable mind-blowing sex which led to watching a documentary on our mind-blowing universe, which led to some deep and relaxed sleep. It's no wonder I feel like I'm on fire today with creative energy.

I should clarify that I NEVER work on Sundays (unless I photograph a Sunday wedding which is rare) and always try to take two days in a row off (which is another reason I gave myself Friday and Saturday off). Time off is incredibly important to me and while I was thinking about what I was going to write in this blog post while in the shower this morning, I realized I would likely NEVER be consistent with this blog, with The Healing Farm blog, with my Instagram account and with Facebook and I may never get to Twitter with hopes that maybe it will be on it's way out before I finally get to it and then I can just abandon it right away.

The reason I say this is because by now, I know myself and I know I don't want social media to take over my precious life. It's hard enough to be typing on a Sunday. I guess it's why I'm still struggling to get my dream of The Healing Farm off the ground. I don't want to work 15 hours a day six or seven days a week. Will that make it impossible to get this business to where I want it to go? Maybe. It's one of the reasons I'm inspired to write this blog: let's see if she can actually pull this off with nothing but a Fine Arts degree and almost no experience in property development, healing or the hospitality industries! It's also probably one of the reasons I pray to win the lottery. This dream is NOT going away. Sometimes I wish it would. Sometimes (as I frequently say) I just want to be the bartender on the Amtrak train (life would be a lot easier that way). It would make starting The Healing Farm so easy if I won the Mega-million lottery. Then I could just put my plan into action, right? But I know I need to build up the perseverance to make this dream a reality and not winning the lottery is probably better for me in the long run.

Of course that doesn't mean I'll still pray sometimes to win the big jackpot - or to find some dear Angel Investor who will help me realize my vision. Writing all this is risky, I know. Many may see red flags. She's a dreamer. She's delusional. She's not willing to do the real work. I don't know if that's so true, otherwise I would be on a hike right now or spending a dreamy winter afternoon in bed with my husband. BUT, as I mentioned before, this dream will not leave me alone. It seeps into every thought. Into every future plan. So I need to see where it goes and the business plan is my final Hail Mary pass. I want to spread my vision around. I want to send it to all those influential people who I've listed and bookmarked and dog-eared in my "Conscious Company" magazine and whom I presume are "better" than me because they run foundations or have two or three successful business behind them or have huge followings in their field of expertise (hospitality, general business or health and healing). I'm writing it to see if:

• I can find a "sponsor" or "influencer" to back me either financially or through promotion (putting their stamp of approval on The Healing Farm property) to their followers
• I can get advice on how to move forward
• I can get a grant or a loan or financing or advice on the best course to get it financed (should I go the non-profit route since profit is not my main motivator?)
• I can find someone who can help me refine the vision
• I can find someone who has a gorgeous large property they want to lease or donate to house The Healing Farm
• The Healing Farm business plan is a way for me to express my vision in any of it's future iterations to gain momentum for something I desire not just for myself, but for the future of healthcare. For healing for the masses. Not just the wealthy class. How can we build this property, it's franchises or pop-up retreats across the country and work to make it affordable to all?

So as I finish up this blog post, I'm looking forward to looking in my email to see if Dannie has gotten back to me. I've done my prep-work to make this writing day as pleasant as possible:

• Read the Sunday New York Times in bed with really yummy strong black coffee (with a little coconut oil)
• Had my two free range eggs over easy on sauteed bitter greens
• Had my hot and inspirational shower
• Wrote this blog post
• Put on a favorite pair of underwear
• Put on my other favorite things: leggings with a wide waistband so they don't crimp my middle-aged middle, thick cashmere sweater (bought second hand and worn to death - even in the far reaches of hippiedom - Saline Valley pictured above), smart wool socks and slippers and lip balm
• And a sweet writer-husband that agreed he would spend the afternoon writing too so we can spend this Sunday afternoon together cozy in our Oakland living room typing away as we both try to realize our big dreams. He made me some of his organic earl grey loose-leaf tea which he uses to get a little buzzed to write his screen play.

Feel free to reach out if anyone actually reads this. Tell me if you want to read The Healing Farm business plan and be a part of this great "Birthing a Business" experiment. Don't expect me to write regularly or often, but do expect that I'll write when inspired. I will be transparent, vulnerable and frank about my dreams and struggles. Baring myself for all to see if I can actually pull off this audacious dream. It's not for me. It's not for my husband (although I think living on The Healing Farm would suit us both). It's for the future of healthcare and healing for the masses. It's a big dream and it may take a village - and it may never happen - but let's just see about that. 

If you want to read about why I started this blog, go to the Birthing a Business About page. And if you want to read about The Healing Farm concept, please go to The Healing Farm about page and thanks for reading! Stay tuned with this wild and wonderful and at times bumpy and really scary journey!

Time vs. Money: New York Times Opinion Article

I had a tough choice today. Something I had been wrestling with since last week. Should I try to book an upcoming, last minute wedding or should I go to my Uncle's 80th birthday party in southern California? I technically could have done both, but it would have made for a frantic and stressful weekend and I wouldn't have been able to spend as much time with my family.

The New York Time's Opinion piece that came out in this past Sunday's paper and written by Hal E. Hershfield and Cassie Mogilner Holmes was fortuitous timing. I read it, not because I feel like I have trouble making those time vs. money choices - I choose time almost 100% of the time. My husband and I have learned to live with very little and money is not important to us. Would it be nicer if we were slightly more financially secure? Yes. Absolutely. But we're still pretty blissfully happy. We have a great relationship, we love where we live (for now) and we have close family, friends and neighbors. Through my current career, we've been able to make ends meet, my husband has had time to truly explore (and seems to have found) his path and have plenty of leisure time to mostly just enjoy each other's company at home.

So why was the decision I just made choosing time over money so difficult? Because as I've started the process of launching The Healing Farm, I've somewhat mistakenly (we'll see if it's a mistake) tapered off booking jobs for my current business - without a sufficient safety net. Suddenly we're no longer in that "sweet spot" we've been hearing about the past few years (generally people are happiest when their income level is at about $75,000.00) and come January may be struggling to make those same ends meet. It's not like we can cut much in spending since we already live pretty frugally so one of us needs to really hurry up launching our new careers or we're going to have to start living in an RV. Or get a job. 

One of the reasons I want to start The Healing Farm is to build a "Conscious Company" of the future. I want THF employees to have part ownership in some sort of profit-sharing model. I want THF employees to feel like they can have "normal" working hours and plenty of vacation time. All with fair pay at all levels - including responsible pay for those in management. So thinking about getting a job where we might be offered a week or two of vacation and may be expected to answer e-mails and texts in the evening and on weekends is unthinkable to us. I would truly rather live in an RV.

It's not that I don't work hard. I give 110% when I'm passionate about the work I'm doing. No doubt there. Hubby is the same way. Since finding his path (writing), he's been on fire when he's inspired and sometimes writes until the wee hours of the morning! It's a mystery that more companies don't catch on that if they hire a sufficient amount of people to share the workload, give their employees enough down-time and pay appropriately, they will have much happier people, less turnover and burnout and much more creative problem-solvers.

How do you do that? Responsible pay in management. I would truly be happy with a wage of around $100,000.00 if I were CEO and founder of The Healing Farm and would hope that my upper management would feel the same way. How can one not live a comfortable life with that amount of money? This would allow more pay for the staff and for re-investment in THF bringing affordable wellness to parts of the country in need of affordable and practical wellness, eliminating the cost of traveling to The Healing Farm flagship property while also bringing more jobs to those communities.

I chose to forego $4,000.00 in badly needed income to be with my family. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year and my mother confided that she thinks this trip to San Diego (they live in the midwest) may be their last time to travel together. We will find a way to make ends meet. We always do. AND we will enjoy a full weekend with family celebrating a human being's 80th year. Rest assured I will remember that for much longer than the temporary hardships we're enduring now in hopes of finding our paths and building the future that we dream of for the second half of our lives. 

---

The Healing Farm. Cultivating Practical Wellness.

Fresh (and not so fresh) Starts - From The Healing Farm Blog

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Bold (and cliche) statement, I know. But I feel like I need to make a bold statement. It needs to stick.

The first morning of the first day didn't start out so well. I woke up at 2:00AM with a hot flash. Then an hour and a half later when I was finally getting back to sleep, my insomniac husband came to bed and woke me up again. After rolling around again for another hour, I went to the living room couch to sleep. Then hubby's cell phone vibrated on the wood coffee table with a call at 6:00AM and I woke up. I finally got back to sleep yet again - and woke up at 11:00. Yipes. Starting the first day of the rest of my life at 11:00AM was definitely not in the plan, but one thing I've learned in the past few years of recovering my health is that I will not give up the sleep my body naturally needs (8-9 hours a night!). 

Panic and depression were my first thoughts, but something really great happened. Instead of panic and depression and instant thoughts like: "Well, there goes my workout because I HAVE to get to work" or "Well, maybe I'll just start my cleanse tomorrow because I'm too bummed out.", I took a deep breath (I think) and thought about it for a few moments and made a conscious decision not to panic. I got up off that couch, made my one cup of coffee (one cup is NOT part of the cleanse I'm starting today, but better than my regular 4 halfcafs) and sat down to read the news. I did skip my ten minute meditation, but skipped that over my workout because it's WAAAAYYYY easier to convince myself to not workout and I knew that would make me feel even more miserable. So I had my coffee, read the news, answered the first group of e-mails for the day and changed into my workout clothes. I didn't panic about the loads of dishes that were done drying in the rack and in the dishwasher from having the neighbors over for dinner last night. I went about everything with a calm mind and heart knowing that panic and depression were my way of sabotaging the first day of the rest of my life.

I've taken most of the summer off to do some major soul-searching and some much needed R&R. After my big retreat last April, I was wiped out and I needed to figure out if I had the stamina and passion for starting this new business. I really only planned on taking a couple of months to think about it, but stuff kept coming up. My wedding photography season kicked in and although I have about a quarter of the weddings I normally have because of my career transition, they still take up a lot of time and energy. I also had three sets of visitors from out of town this sumer, a bedbug scare (caught it in time, but three days of cleaning!), an annual family reunion trip back in the midwest AND a photo shoot in the eastern Sierras. Again, instead of panicking, I just kept putting off the date of making my decision about how (and if) to move forward with The Healing Farm. Maybe it was procrastination, but I'm realizing it was more about being smart and caring about making a big decision using true mindfulness.

Turns out all this reflection and relaxation time, connecting with family and friends and enjoying plenty of free time with my husband helped me to realize that when I let my thoughts wander, I still dream of The Healing Farm. This was a big revelation. I wasn't sure if the past five years of dreaming about it was only just a fantasy and delusional thinking or if I really was passionate about making such a big change and was fascinated to find out that even after all the hard work and sacrifices I've made to get to this point, I'm still passionate about developing an ancestral functional wellness retreat property that is tasteful, yet still affordable to an average middle class American and that features practical wellness solutions that clients can build into their everyday lives. Is it realistic to think that I can actually do this? I still don't know, but I've decided (with lots of advice from friends) that I would be silly not to give it a try given I've come this far.

Two inspiring books I've been reading this summer to help me get over the paralyzing hurdle of figuring out my next steps have been:

"A Mind of Your Own" by Kelly Brogan thanks to a webinar I listened to hosted by Chris Kresser

"When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron thanks to an executive coach (Robert Goldmann) who I had an enlightening lunch with over the summer.

From these book titles it may sound like I'm struggling with a deep depression or mental health issue. I'm not, but a crisis of midlife (my second) is indeed a crisis and reading these two books has helped me so much in calming down and learning how to move forward, maybe not with clarity because truly everything changes and life is impermanent, but with mindfulness in how I move forward. 

Both of these books take on healing the mind and body from the inside out which is pretty much what functional medicine is all about (to me): finding the root of an issue and working with natural solutions to get at that root and make changes to get yourself and your mind into its best state. I felt that best state after I went through my treatment with Chris Kresser and it's what gave me the energy to move forward with starting The Healing Farm in the first place, but taking the next step has truly been paralyzing and I've gotten into another bad place with my health - I've not only gained ten pounds since my last retreat, but I've gained an additional 15 in the span of time it took me to launch the business. Weight has always been an issue for me so it's not only physically taxing to be at my current weight, but also an emotional struggle as well. 

Pema Chodron's book and practicing meditation (only ten minutes a day) have helped me to remain calm and look at situations objectively before reacting and Kelly Brogan's book has inspired me yet again to hone my eating habits even more. Although physically I've still been able to stave off all of my previous chronic conditions through my work with Chris Kresser and eliminating most dairy and gluten from my diet, I still need to curb my weight and start getting a little more serious about taking care of my mental health which is why Kelly's book has been so inspiring.

SO, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'll be turing 50 this November 2nd and it's an emotionally charged birthday not only because my body is going through so many changes, but also because my psyche is as well. I've called my midlife crises midlife renaissances because I've been determined to come out the other side a better truer (to myself) Julie. Today I start my cleanse and as of November, I will start a documentation that will last my 50th year either on The Healing Farm blog or my "Birthing a Business" blog so that I can celebrate the first 50 years with stories and gratitude for the great things I've done in my first 50 years. I think seeing what adventures and accomplishments and the great relationships I've built on a regular basis will be a terrific way to gain the confidence and energy to move forward to the next even greater 50 years.

Full disclosure: I don't think of myself as a writer, nor do I want to be and it may seem strange to people that I want to grow The Healing Farm by writing about my own life, but really that's what The Healing Farm will be to me. I'm a nurturer who loves helping people. The Healing Farm is something that will stem from my own life and life experience so why not share as much as I can about my own path in order to help The Healing Farm to grow to a place where it (and I) can help others? 

I'm now inspired to produce The Healing Farm's next multi-day retreat focussing on the female midlife crisis. Let's try to turn them into a midlife renaissance! Stay tuned!

The Healing Farm - Cultivating Practical Wellness

Put on your Lucky Underwear and "Just Do IT"!

Just do it. That's what I was thinking as I crossed the yard this morning on my way to do my workout. I had just been lacing up my shoes in the living room and said to my husband that I wasn't looking forward to my workout. Pretty pathetic when my workout is only seven minutes! (The New York Times Seven Minute Workout), plus a ten minute series of stretches to keep my chronic back pain at bay. 

As I crossed the yard, I made myself stop and look at the flowering tulip tree and feel the sun and listen to the birds chirp. Sounds idillic, doesn't it? Well, our house is about the smallest rental you can find and in the middle of Oakland, CA. Not exactly The Healing Farm! BUT, stopping and "smelling the roses" gave me just enough boost to get me going and ALWAYS when I need just a little more boost I repeat that old but perpetually fantastic Nike ad slogan "Just do it!" in my head. Seriously. It works.

I opened the blinds in my office to let the sun in and put on one of my favorite DJ mixes compliments of DJ Dan's Soundcloud channel (Marty Funkhauser's "Live @ SpiritBar" opener (strong language warning at the beginning if you decide to listen to this great mix!) and just did it. By the end I felt so much better that I stayed and danced a little. What a way to start the day. It reminded me of listening to Deborah Szekely, founder of Rancho La Puerta and now people's health and wellness lobby advocate of "Wellness Warrior". I'm lucky enough to be able to go to Rancho La Puerta every once in a while to do photography for their marketing materials and whenever I'm there and Deborah is speaking I make it a point to see her. She's an incredible person and such an inspiration to me. The last time I was there, she was coming off of a terrible family tragedy that had only happened a couple of weeks before. Despite what she was going through, not only did she come to talk to the guests at the ranch, but she told us that every morning she wakes up and does a little happy wiggle with her whole body. Even in the depths of tragedy. Deborah is almost 94 years old. That says a lot about keeping a positive attitude.

Starting a new business (especially while running another), going through my own personal family crisis and learning how to write a business plan will be a perpetual challenge for me. It's an emotional roller coaster and at some times I want to throw in the towel. But then I have a sunny morning like today and I think maybe, just maybe I CAN "Just do it". Not just my little seven minute workout, but building a retreat center that is tasteful and affordable, not super swank, not too new age or hippie dippy. Just right for the middle market. It'll be the "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" of the retreat and spa industry!

I put on a pair of "lucky" underwear (doesn't everyone have lucky underwear?) after my shower, opened my e-mail and had four positive e-mails waiting for me. One from a former employer, one from my business class instructor and two from retreat clients. Will I succeed with The Healing Farm? I don't know, but if I don't give it a try, I will never know. 

Put on your lucky underwear and JUST DO IT!

Just When You Want to Throw in the Towel - Conscious Company Magazine Walks into your Local Grocery

Today was a particularly hard day in The Healing Farm start-up. I'm discouraged for many reasons and am constantly challenged by feelings of inadequacy. Other than the fact that I've run my photography business for the past 15 years "flying by the seat of my pants" as I like to say, I have no formal business school training. I am taking the UC Berkeley Small Business and Entrepreneurship Program, but do feel - especially in the hyper-smart and business-savvy Bay Area - a bit of an additional struggle to legitimize myself. Starting The Healing Farm to bring practical and affordable wellness, spa and retreat experiences to middle income people is really a HUGE passion. Also, I'm inspired to show the world that a business can be started and run not for increasing profit for shareholders, but for helping others and changing the world all-the-while creating a culture for its employees that will help them enjoy work, get paid fairly and grow their own vision and life-work balance.

In comes my lack of business training. I've been hearing the term "BCorp" floating around for a few months now. I'm sure in some circles it's been floating around for years, but in my tiny world (mostly because I spend my time trying to devote myself equally to my work AND myself and my friends and family) it's a pretty new term. But, it's peaked my curiosity enough, that I just inserted it as a possible structure in my executive summary for The Healing Farm business plan (which I'm starting to write in my class).

So here I am, trying to start a business while exiting another, hubby is trying to write his first screenplay, and I'm alternating freaking out and completely elated - depending on the day. Today was pretty harsh. Said hubby gave me a pep talk and I settled pretty glumly into reading a chapter of my textbook for class while every five minutes or so, contemplating dropping the class. Then I decided to make dinner. Always a stress-reliever once I get started.

Brennan was writing and didn't want to stop so I ate dinner alone. I remembered that I picked up a copy of a magazine called "Conscious Company" at the Piedmont Market the other day and figured I may never have the time to read it. I sat down to eat my stir fry and opened it up. Holy cow was I inspired. Not only by the vision of the founders of the magazine but by everything in it. THIS is what I want to do with The Healing Farm. I want The Healing Farm to be a responsible business which gives back to its community(ies) and I want it to be a place where employees feel like they are making a difference, love their jobs and know that the company actually cares about their well-being and their life-work balance.

Can I do it? I don't know. But damn. I'm inspired again to try. Thank you to the Conscious Company team. You are absolutely speaking for a whole slew of socially conscious entrepreneurs who may not yet know how to articulate what they are trying to create with their own companies. Keep on keeping on!

A Blogger or a Narcissist?

 I'm currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Big Magic". She talks about "passionate creativity". Even though I've spent the past 25 years as a photographer (on and off), I don't know that career-wise I've ever been that passionate about taking pictures. That said, when I was much younger and a few times on vacation (when I've wrestled the Lumix away from Brennan), I get completely lost in taking pictures. But as I've thought about what creative activity gets me lost? Well, I've been at a loss.

But today I decided to instagram a whole series of myself during one of my "cook-a-thons". As I went along I was more and more inspired. I even wanted to start talking about the music selection that was propelling me through. I really got lost in cooking and sharing the experience (and photos!) with others in real time. 

I always say I'm not a "creative" cook. My friend Lyn is a creative cook. She can like a dish in a restaurant and then recreate it at home. I can't do that. I've dreamt of renting  house in the South of France and going to the market every day and selecting fresh food to make something for lunch and dinner. I could never do that. Seriously. I would need a recipe. BUT, here I am. One of the most enjoyable and stress-relieving things in my life is cooking. AND I LOVED sharing it with others.

Does that make me a passionate blogger or a narcissist? Hmmmm. We'll see!

Moo Blog Post - TEDx Talk About Finding the Work You Love

From The Healing Farm blog....

I was so pleased to see that the affordable printing site MOO posted this article on their blog. Not only was I inspired by this article and Scott Dinsmore's TEDx talk, I'm also always impressed with businesses that have a mission of offering a good service at an affordable price. It goes way back to Martha Stewart heralding the idea of bringing good design to the masses. Whether you love her or not, she purposely catered to a non-luxury market. She knew there was a middle market that had good taste and didn't want to go broke pursuing lovely things! 

I want The Healing Farm to be the Martha Stewart or MOO of the spa and retreat industry. I have my Week-long Paleo Reset Retreat at Mayacamas Ranch advertised as "A spa-like vacation without the spa prices". That is the business model I'm striving for with The Healing Farm and I was inspired by Scott's TEDx talk because I have been working so hard toward "Living my Legend". I am absolutely taking a huge risk switching careers at the age of almost 50, but not only can I not physically do what I do currently anymore, but I've had this nagging feeling I'm supposed to do more! I want to provide people with practical and affordable solutions for their long-term wellness and I've worked hard the last few years, doing all the things Scott talks about in his talk to get to the place I'm at now. Will I fail? Will I succeed? I don't know, but I was inspired to hear Scott say "Learn your own impossible." Sometimes I think what I'm trying to do is impossible for me. But to Scott's point in his talk, as I say to myself "How can I do this?" I'm also finding myself saying "How can I not?".

I read online when I was researching for this post that Scott was tragically killed this past fall while hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro with his wife. You know, you always hear the saying: If you died tomorrow are you happy with your life today?  I'm sure Scott never imagined he would die at the age of 33. But dang. It looks like he would have emphatically said YES to that question right before he died. It's such a strong message to us all to strive to do what you believe in. Imagine the impossible and maybe you too can change a life or two - or millions. 

I love this quote Scott ends his talk with:

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win.” ― Mahatma Gandhi.

I might be in the "ignore" phase right now, but I hope to build The Healing Farm one day to bring practical, affordable wellness to the masses in beautiful places around the country and perhaps the world. Impossible? Only if that's what I believe.

I Took Three Weeks Off - Irresponsible or a Much Needed Break?

From The Healing Farm blog.......

I had a really tough fall in 2015 and against everything I want The Healing Farm to teach, I ended up working 6-7 days a week for about three-four months. As I try to transition my life and career and move closer to my 50th year and all the challenges one faces (especially women) during middle age, I got pretty overwhelmed. I'm very fortunate to have a huge support network of family and friends and managed for the most part to eat well and keep up with moderate exercise through it all. But I needed a huge break.

I went to Chicago to visit my family for the holidays and stayed almost two weeks. Was it the last time I would spend Christmas in my childhood home? It was definitely the last time for a cherished Christmas Eve extended family tradition which has been going on for well over 70 years. I wanted to be there for a good chunk of time not only to immerse myself in what may be the very tail end of being a daughter, but I wanted to spend long quality hours with my parents, siblings and extended family. I barely checked e-mail the entire time I was there, I didn't do one blog or instagram post and it was heaven. I read three books!

Then I came home and I couldn't get myself back to work, no matter how limited it was going to be the week of New Year's. I just couldn't. I'm fortunate enough to own my own business(es) and can take this kind of time off at this time of the year (it's the wedding slow season in CA!), but as I flew home and watched the woman next to me type away at her laptop the entire flight (as I drank wine and finished my fourth book), I wondered if I was being irresponsible. After all, I'm starting a new business. I should be posting all the time, completely on top of social media, etc, etc. But is that really what I want?

As I explore this new business and career path in 2016, I need to consider seriously what I want my next twenty + years of work to look like. Sometimes I think, to heck with it! I want to do something easy! I don't want to think about work all the time! Often, I half joke about wanting to be the bartender on the Amtrak train - only I'm not really joking! But sometimes I believe I can build The Healing Farm concept in which I build a culture at which employees can have a decent work-load with decent pay. At which people can job-share and take time off for long, much-needed breaks. I want to give that gift to future THF staff and I want to build a business at which my executive support team can truly support each other so that we can have that too. I don't think it's un-achievable. The Healing Farm should practice what it preaches. And when one comes back from a long true break, one should feel inspired, creative and ready for more!  So here's to 2016! It will be a telling year for me AND The Healing Farm concept. Who knows where I will be at the end of the year, but I will do my best to cultivate The Healing Farm concept, nurture it, and hope to watch it grow and thrive!

I contacted DJ Dan This Morning. Crazy?

Probably. BUT, one thing I've learned in starting The Healing Farm business is that I have to be bold and brave. One more plug for the "Just Do It!" Nike campaign. If you don't put yourself out there things aren't going to happen. Just do it.

Do I think DJ Dan (recently voted #9 in the top ten DJs in the world) will really get back to me? Highly unlikely. Do I think he'll actually let me use episode 74 on his SoundCloud page as a track for an exercise video? Even more unlikely. But I've been putting off making my video (attention DJ Dan! - only to be shown on The Healing Farm related outlets and not for financial gain) because I really can't imagine using anything else. Almost every morning I do The New York Times Scientific Seven-Minute Workout followed by a quick stretch routine and every time I do it, I put on an episode of DJ Dan or one of his visiting artist mixes on his SoundCloud page. This is an exercise and stretching routine routine I've developed to help beat my chronic back pain. I want to share this with others through The Healing Farm site and I want them to have as much fun doing it as I do! When I really need some motivation, I put on track 74. It's my fave and it always gets me going!

Funny thing happened after I sent my e-mail. I've been kicked-up all morning. I was so excited that I actually sent an e-mail to one of my musical heroes and It gave me such a boost that I ended up doing three other things that I had been avoiding - including getting motivated to keep writing on this blog (not easy to find the time when running a business and starting another)!

Starting a new business is scary. Putting yourself out there and taking crazy chances is even more scary, but understanding and excepting that not all you put out in the world may get the results you're hoping for and accepting that what you do may lead to alternative options - or at least give you a boost to try some more risks - is more than worth it. 

Now I know that if I don't hear back from DJ Dan or his "people" I need to move on with another option for fun music. I have three people already waiting to watch my video to reduce their own chronic back pain so I'll just move on and JUST DO IT!

Ready? Set? Launch!

So incredibly excited (and nervous!) to officially launch The Healing Farm website TODAY!!!

It's been a HUGE learning curve to launch a new business unrelated to photography, but after five months and many times said in the last four weeks "It is my goal to launch this week!" here I am ready to send out my launch e-mail by end of day today. Wow. 

It's been incredibly important to me to keep up with my life-work balance while I transition to my new business and it's been hard to do in the past few weeks. I've been running my photography business, writing, shooting and editing to create The Healing Farm site and learning more and more about the retreat industry at the same time. Plus my dear brother-in-law and new sister-in-law got married on the 16th and I photographed two weddings this past weekend. Although I was tempted to work on my launch yesterday, I took a much needed day off instead!

It was also important to me to start my launch day with my normal routine which is ten minute meditation, coffee, news and catching up with e-mails, then my very important NYT Scientific Seven Minute Workout and stretch session followed by my daily smoothie (see this post for the recipe). Still a bit worn out from my two wedding shoots, so the day started a little later than normal, but it is so important to me to keep up with my normal routine. I've got to remember to KEEP THE STRESS LEVEL DOWN!!! These are all important lessons I hope the Healing Farm will eventually teach many people throughout many years.

So much help and advice from friends has been given along along the way to this launch.

Thank you to these very important people:

My dear husband who has been living with my up-and downs as I've navigated through this process.

My family who always supports me no matter what I do.

My dear friends who are also always encouraging and there for me.

My informal group of advisors who have been gracious in responding to my requests for advice in their area of expertise.

and I specifically  want to thank:

Pamela Hawley of Universal Giving who was the instructor of the "Introduction to Entrepreneurship" class in the UC Berkeley Extension program  I've been attending - and yes! that's me in the picture on the righthand side of the page - the model student -ha!. I hope to do a blog post today specifically on the UC Berkeley Extension program and how I practiced being bold when asking Pamela for a mentoring session. She not only offered one session, but continues to mentor me through this launch process. She has been KEY in helping me to gain confidence and in offering much need guidance. I hope to also launch a personal journal of the building of my business process today at birthingabusiness.com.

Thanks also to the folks at the San Francisco Small Business Administration and especially the SCORE program at which I signed up for free mentoring with two angel investors who are patiently waiting for me to launch my website so we can continue our mentoring sessions as I move into phase one of The Healing Farm business concept.

Also so important in helping me out the last few months:

My dear friend Laurel Segel of KS Creative who has been helping me build The Healing Farm brand and who has patiently been helping me build a template site even though her specialty is custom website design! 

Ryan of DepthxHeight who has helped Laurel and I navigate the programming quarks involved in customizing a squarespace template site!

My good friend Mark who got me started in the process of applying for my trademark and the folks at The Law offices of Christopher Day who continued with me through the process. Also Caryn Glasser, Examining Attorney at The United States Patent and Trademark Office who granted me final approval on the trademark.

Chris Kresser who I'm very excited to have on-board as my keynote speaker for the first large-scale retreat at Mayacamas Ranch, his nutritionist Kelsey Marksteiner of Healthy Gut, Healthy Life who will be onsite at the Mayacamas Ranch retreat for the whole week to offer two lectures and private consultations, my two yoga instructors: Patti Cocciolo of The Goodness Blog and Erin Cookston and to all of the other people in the works to participate in what will be such a fun and informative retreat.

and of course, last but not least the incredibly nice and patient team at Mayacamas Ranch which is the lovely site of the "Paleo Reset" Retreat.

Part of what I wrote about The Healing Farm's mission is to help "average people of average" means become extraordinary human beings. It's what I'm striving for myself which is why I want to document this process of changing my own life on my sister blog "Birthing a Business". Please visit if you're interested in following my process as I (typically) wear my heart on my sleeve!

Whew! So here we go. Ready? Set? Launch!